Talking to Erik (Voice in Konrad's head) with the red and black skull mask attached to the mirror (ECE Character Development piece)

Chicago, Illinois. Monday 21st October (Off-Camera)

It's been hard to tackle the thing I've been fighting myself over the past two weeks ever since Solom gave me the offer to be in the Dark Dominion team. He was basicially telling me that I should go back to my dark side. Solom noticed right off the bat somehow that I had a psychotic, disrespectful past, especially my anger issues. He was right about telling everyone about that. At the same time, Solom didn't understand my dark side was something I embraced way too much to the point that I lost wrestling friends to the point they didn't want to know me anymore, didn't want to respect me anymore and even my loved ones. I almost lost Jasmine over it as well.

It only took me being in another wrestling company that everything I said and did was out of line. But I did get sick and tired of being a pushover and hiding that I was angry inside. At the same time, I was making changes primarily for Jasmine, who was scared shitless of my anger and those babies she was carrying.

If it only took Solom four shows to figure me out, god knows what he'll say if he finds out that my wife's pregnancy with triplets is the reason why I refuse to go back to my dark side and want wrestlers to respect me. Of course, I was having a tough time with Jasmine being sick every five minutes, not getting much sleep whatsoever because of it, playoffs affecting me because of me wanting to defend the Xfinity Series title so bad and now, this decision Solom wants me to make, pushing me to my dark side again was suddenly affecting me?

Fuck sake, I wanted a simple life away from the stress things were causing me. A simple life of being an expectant father, a simple life of being a wrestler and driver and going for titles and another championship without anything affecting me, and a simple life not holding on to the fear of embracing my dark side again with my anger.

It was too much, and I saw Jasmine getting to sleep again, as she had been sick most of the night. So much so that I heard a voice in my head that I hadn't heard for months, a voice that did get me to talk to someone that sometimes triggered me to go to my dark side. This really had me concerned, and I had to say this quietly.

Konrad Raab: "Oh shit, not you trying to affect me as well, Erik."

I held my head as I heard voices quite a lot, and Jasmine knew about Erik. This voice triggered me to do the absolute worst things. I can't forgive myself for doing many things in and out of wrestling that I would rather not talk about because of what Erik made me do. But he was back somehow in my life and told me this.

Erik: "Go downstairs to the basement and talk to me, you pathetic man."

Konrad Raab: "No, I can't."

Erik: "If you don't, maybe I'll make you suffer more with your wife myself."

Konrad Raab: "Leave her the fuck out of this."

Erik: "Oh no, Konrad, I won't until you fucking talk to me."

Konrad Raab: "Fine, but I won't talk to you in the basement in the same house as my pregnant wife, who fears my anger. In an abandoned warehouse five minutes from here."

Erik: "Take the mask and the mirror with you so we can talk, you pathetic man."

Erik was always going to be involved in my life, no matter what I did to try to get rid of him ever since he had appeared when I was five years old when my dad beat me so severely, and I had to take it because I wasn't allowed to defend myself. It was why I became a professional wrestler because of my dad, not allowing me to let my anger out because of the abuse he did to me. 

I left a note for Jasmine that I would walk in the park for a bit and be back in two hours. I took the mirror, the black and red skull mask, my keys for the home and abandoned warehouse and my phone with me. I carried the mask and the mirror out of the house to the abandoned warehouse, where I used to do my videos for matches until I resorted to writing notes because I felt it was much better for me than speaking about my opponents.

At least the warehouse can be used again. It would be a place where I could yell, shout, and be angry about something that bothered me if I really needed to without scaring Jasmine or if Erik, like today, wanted to talk to me in private. It was both cases today because I was confused about what to do. I placed the black and red skull mask on the top left-hand corner of the mirror and went on my knees to look at it.

Konrad Raab: "What do you want, Erik?"

Erik: "You know exactly what I want, you pussy. We need to talk about you being exposed. Solom is correct; you have shackles with Josephine and Cameron attached to you, telling you that you shouldn't be angry and return to your dark side again. Where's that anger you showed in your career in the other company?"

Konrad Raab: "It got me nowhere, and you know it."

Erik: "It made you hated and have so much power to hurt and destroy. Yes, you had moments where you shouldn't have given a fuck, but this is different now. Solom, unlike those fucking idiots in the other company, is willing to be friends with you. He's willing to give you respect. That's something you've never had before."

Konrad Raab: "I don't want to go back to my dark side; it made me lose myself and lose everything in my life. I lost my 2nd wife, wrestling friends and the respect they had for me, and I almost lost my wrestling career because of my emotions. I'm not about to go back again, and even thinking about it today scares me."

I couldn't look at him sitting or standing up, as I always felt weak when he talked to me with a creepy, evil voice. It was one of those situations in which I could never do anything other than yell, scream, shout, and be angry. I was frightened but confused at the same time. I knew what happened in the other company had forced me to change because of my extreme out-of-line behaviour.

Erik: "No, I say you're a lost soul, Konrad. You don't understand that ECE is different from that shithole company that was afraid of you being different because they wanted you to show respect to them. They weren't a real wrestling company. I say you got too much of a scared bitch to realise how hated you were, how powerful you were to beat the shit out of anyone that said shit to you."

Konrad Raab: "It made me into a joke, Erik. Nobody saw me as a threat or intimidating. I lost every match when I was that guy. I don't want to lose eve........."

Erik: "I see a man who's become afraid because he listened to therapists knocking sense into you. Your wife having babies is irrelevant because Solom doesn't care about your personal life. He's not interested in that. He's interested in the shackles preventing you from reaching your potential."

Konrad Raab: "I give a shit when she's afraid of my anger Erik. I love her more than anyone I loved in my life. I never had a wife who cared about me and wouldn't hurt a fly. I do anything for Jasmine."

I literally would because although I did cheat on her, that's because I was in a bad place at the time, and we went through all the counselling in the world to get my sex addict problem under control, and I heard thunder outside, feeling like that's me right now. 

Erik: "I know part of you is confused, Konrad. Part of me sees you as if you want to be on the dark side, but you're afraid to go back and want to be this boring, predictable guy that nobody buys into you being a burned blood killer, and that fear, along with your wife's fear of your anger is what's holding back."

He paused as I heard him as if he was smacking his hand as if he hit me, which I felt to my bones about the comments I made, which could sound like it really would hurt me. I almost felt as if he was strangling me as well in my mind, fighting to breathe, which is the kind of situation I was in on the decision I had to make that not even Josephine or Cameron could make for me. He continued.

Erik: "Nobody ever said you had to be angry in front of your wife, and Solum doesn't care about your personal life there. Only in wrestling is he asking you to be that angry, vicious man, and I want to see it, too. After all, do you want to be a weak little bitch, getting pushed over again?"

Konrad Raab: "I want to do things my way. Going and sticking to one route caused me nothing but headaches and stress. Either I was respecting the world but being nothing more than a doormat to wrestlers, or I was so disrespectful that nobody wanted to know I existed. I can't be those two people again. I got to do what's best for me."

Erik: "What's best for you is you are aware that people are respecting you more than you were in the other company. Solom exposed you as a fraud because he saw your previous matches in another company and what you really did, which triggered him to talk to you about it because Solom wants that dark side of you. He wants you to be angry and cause nothing but issues to other wrestlers."

Konrad Raab: "But what about me being a team player? Ever since I was stabbed in the back, I've not teamed with anyone because of that fear of trusting people again. Solom doesn't understand why I've been a loner for the last three years."

I knew in my mind that Erik wasn't psychically there, but if he was, he'd be shaking his head and growling at me because he thought I was talking utter nonsense, but the truth was, I wasn't. I was legitimately scared and more so about teamwork because the last time I was, I was hurt psychologically, and I still hadn't gotten over the pain I suffered from it.

Erik: "Stop with the past nonsense. You need to listen to Solom, and you need to listen to me, and all of this is good for your career. Being bad, angry, and evil will be good and completely different this time. It's going to let you loose and beat the shit out of people. I miss the violence, and so does Solom."

Konrad Raab: "I don't because I lost who I am and still don't know who I am. Please don't make me be the evil Konrad because Solom wants that."

Erik: "I'm telling you to, and Solom is because you need to. After all, didn't you say you needed to be in the business to let your anger out and be violent as a way for you to not be arrested? That's still in you, Konrad, and you know it. Solom knows it, and so do I. You still have bouts of anger unresolved, and what better way to do that legally than in the ring?"

Erik was right, I was holding my anger back a little bit, although I did let it out against Terry Gold, but I felt it wasn't enough, as if I was an asshole and I was beating the living daylights out of him. At the same time, I did need to tell the truth as I gulped pretty hard to say this.

Konrad Raab: "Admittedly, Erik, I have been confused about what to do because, yes, you and Solom want me to be angry and go to the dark side, being a lost soul. I understand things are different in ECE, and it's a different situation to be invited into a wrestling group, and part of me felt good about that. But at the same time, I had to make changes to do what I wanted because my anger scared people, and it even scared me because of how over the top I was."

Erik: "Becoming a fucking bitch and those two you hang around with are toxic, as Solom said to prevent you from doing what you were brought to wrestling for, to let loose. Fuck the fears you had being angry again, but forget about how your wife makes you feel; you don't want to be angry outside the ring, I get it, but you need to be in wrestling."

Konrad Raab: "But to tell you the truth, I hadn't really needed to get angry. I just don't want to regret my mistakes again. I don't want to be called a joke and be mocked for my losses after I changed my attitude."

Erik was laughing at me while I was kneeling, shaking because of the fear, and I couldn't breathe or think because I remembered the moments I caused so much hurt and pain, I did to others that I don't think I could go through that again. I know deep down that I could do it because of how different ECE was, but at the same time, I promised my wife I wouldn't get angry at her again. But they were talking about wrestling, and I didn't know what to do. So I started crying because I was scared, confused and painful.

Erik: "Look at your state, being an absolutely pathetic shell of a man compared to the one I saw in another company. I see a man feeling he's going to die because of the decision for some reason, being difficult for this idiotic crybaby, refusing to basically want to go to his dark side because he's a chicken shit."

Konrad Raab: "No I'm not."

Erik: "You are. How much longer are you gonna keep Solom and me waiting? Fuck everyone else what they think and what pain you caused them, they never gave a fuck about you. Why do you expect everyone else to do so? That's the problem, Konrad. You gave a fuck about what others think than what you want to do for yourself."

I nodded, and I was told by many people to not give a fuck what others think of me, but the problem was the opposite effect. If I didn't give a fuck about people and what they say, I would basically be ignoring them and pretending they didn't exist, letting them walk all over me. I had no answer, and Erik knew I had kept silent.

Erik: "It made you second guess everything, didn't it? If you couldn't respond to me, you weak little bitch. I'd be choking you until you do what me and Solom want. Go home, get your wrestling stuff ready, fly to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and think everywhere you go until the time comes before your match. It's your decision tonight because it's yours to make. Nobody can force you to do it. It's on you, and every mistake or correct thing you make is on you. Be powerful or be a weak, pathetic man who's scared of his past that will eventually hunt him."

Erik then went as I wiped tears from my face. I coughed as I felt I was let go from being choked in my head before I gathered myself together since I didn't want Jasmine to see me in this state, but I felt better because I had somewhere I could be angry without showing how I feel to Jasmine all the time. I stood up and closed the anger and Erik voice warehouse I call it now and locked it up before I walk back home to accommodate my wife being sick and taking care of her. But the decision I had to make tonight was pretty big, and from when I was on the private plane to before the match, I thought about two things: the match against TJ and Jackson for the Intercontinental title and the tag offer.